The All-American Way To Pay For College by Graham Schmidt

Well it’s that time of the summer again….The 4th has come and past which means 2 things. 1. You realize just how patriotic you are by celebrating with a drunken bottle rocket and Roman candle war while listening to Willie Nelson’s “American Tune”. And 2. Summer is officially more than halfway over. So if you’re anything like me you’re half-naked surfing the internet for midget porn and drinking a Miller High Life……okay...you got me, Pabst Blue Ribbon…….Fine! A fucking 3 day old Camo 40, you bastards, we’ve all been there. But once again you notice there is no money in your bank account you were supposed to be saving and you’re pretty bummed. But never fear, irrationality is here! There some blatantly obvious ways to scrape up some cash around campus that I’m just drunk enough now to share with you. Here we go:
Option 1: Crosswalks.
This one’s so obvious I can’t believe everyone’s not going to school on someone else’s insurance money. You see friends, as long as you’re encapsulated in that beautiful 5 foot wide striped line, you are entitled to your proverbial mad cash flow. Just pick the degree you want….Get hit by a Geo Metro, Bachelors. Drunk Camaro driver….Masters. The new Nissan’s big fucking truck….you mein Freund have just won a Doctorate’s Degree….if you survive.
Option 2: Icy Sidewalks
You have to wait for winter (which means you’re on your own for bitch ass Fall Semester) but this way you get the satisfaction of UW paying the rest of your schoolin’. You see, most people prance around icy sidewalks, fearing physical pain and public humiliation. But not you my brilliant friend! You see an icy sidewalk and approach it Dale Earnhardt style….going 150 and ready to make a 90 degree turn. What???? Too soon???? Okay, my P.R. guys are telling me to scratch that one, so let’s replace Dale Earnhardt with…ehh…Michael Andretti. Alright that one works. (Believe me, in 15 years that joke will be golden, I’ll take bets on that) You’re gonna eat more shit than Mike Tyson in his last fight (ZING!, yeah you’re right that’s B material, but I wrote it, so it’s staying) but unlike Mike you’ll have a bit of humility left and chicks dig scars….or in your case a shattered pelvis. As a matter of fact that hottie that walked past you laughing while you were laying on the cold cement grimacing in pain, go ahead, take her out next Friday, cuz’ you’ll be rich, son!
Option 3: Rob Austin.

If self-inflicted pain and having others pay for you education isn’t your thing, then congratulations, you’re a tribute to communism. However if you have any faith at all left in Democracy, please take my advice and I’ll see you soon in a hospital bed next to mine.
Stay tuned for my next article, “Popped Collars, the Trend That Died Before It Was Born”